I feel like I want to write down the emotions and feelings we go through in the months to come. Some of you may or may not understand why we are doing this! I have encountered many judgmental statements already! It saddens me to realize the judgments placed before us! I hope that people will be able to open their minds and hearts to our options.

However we have had comments from many people being of a positive nature. It is reassuring that the company of these comments compliment our feelings.

 Last Tuesday I received a phone call, I was in the least NOT expecting. On one end, I heard "Syndee I am Pregnant". I was honestly dumb founded. I had no words except for Congratulations! I mean isn't that the natural response. Once those words had left my mouth, I was hardly understanding myself and my feelings. The rest of the conversation was yet misunderstood, and the only thought that remained with me is a feeling of loss. A feeling of hopeless wonder. I was shattered. This would be the 2nd situation that hasn't worked out. Do you go on believing that something you feel so strong about will end in failure? Do you just admit to yourself that many of these bumps come for reasons? We just need to stay with our impressions, and start this process of finding someone who would be willing to carrier for us again?

 Well for a week I felt really sorry for us, and our infertility situation. I came down with a Migraine headache the first one of those I had experienced. Then a cold that followed closely behind that. The stress was filling my body with overload. By the end of the week I could barely function. I was drained physically, emotionally. Not to mention, I have a husband and 2 beauties that relied on my daily routines! I finally felt like I could deal with the situation again.

I pulled up my big girl pants, wiped my tears, released all my fears for the time being and began the fight once again. Not knowing what would be placed before us! I remember my exact words. "Ah Where do I go with this?" I can hardly believe that its over. Just as I called our social worker who would be able to get a home study going. I received a message from another friend that someone she knew would like to be a gestational carrier. Could she contact me? I then have spent the rest of my time and energy figuring out what will be best. Adoption verses IVF or just throwing in the towel.... Well we have some time at this point we need to start another month of birth control so that I can get on a cycle. How fun to read about huh? Well get use to it there might just be a lot of that on this blog for the next few months! We are still trying to figure out this option that's being placed before us.

Our journey began over ten years ago! When Steven and I first met, we had many typical dreams in mind. We wanted to get married, laugh together, cry together, embrace one another, work, and buy a house and make it our home.  Most importantly, we wanted to create and love a family together. They are all dreams that seem reachable (RIGHT)?  After a year, we had achieved a few of these things.  Looking into the future, as a 29 year old woman, I decided we had better look into creating the family that would spend forever with us. We began trying to become pregnant. Month after month, of having negative marks on pregnancy tests thrown in our faces, we decided to seek help. In December of 2004, I underwent a surgery to find out that I had a severe case of endometriosis, a possible septum in my uterus, and the list went on to reveal a few other problems as well. This didn’t seem too daunting, so we began to try again.  We also began looking into other avenues to bring our family together.

This led us to the amazing world of adoption. Through adoption, we received our oldest daughter. She has been an example to us from the beginning. She has offered love and compassion beyond our knowledge. We have learned what it’s like to have a child that blesses our life every day. 

 Six months after becoming parents for the first time we started having different testing done to find solutions to our infertility. I underwent another surgery where they found a dermoide cyst in my pelvic area. After many years of unexplainable pain and discomfort it was finally removed.  It was a relief to solve that problem, but once again, I felt like I needed closure to my fertility issues. We went through different blood work, surgery, and test after test to bring peace to my mind.  We didn't find answers to our questions, but we moved on to bring another life into our home.

 We signed up through the same agency we did with my older daughter but discovered we needed to search in different places for our second little miracle. She too has been a wonderful blessing in our lives.  She is now 4 and loves preschool, dancing, singing and her older sister. We have been incredibly blessed, as you may see.

When she was 2, I was dealing with so much pain in my abdomen that we decided to seek the help of a professional.  It was obvious that in order to relieve me of the pain, I needed to have a hysterectomy.  After many years of trying to conceive a biological child, I had to find closure with the fact that I was supposed to move past it.   I was forced to surrender the ties I had with becoming a biological parent to a child.  I decided I would be incredibly grateful for the fulfillment of my 2 beautiful girls, no matter how they came into our family.  We have embraced the love and feelings we have had as parents of these two. We are blessed in every way possible with them. We have been fulfilled by the grace of God as well.

 This year, while attending a wedding of a friend, we were educated by a highly respected professional about gestational carriers and IVF. Many feelings resurfaced in my heart, and I watched my husband's eyes light up in disbelief at the possiblities of something we thought was closed off to us.  As the discussion ended, we  decided that we would look further into the possibility of making this happen for us. Our doctor called in the tests we would need to undergo to reach our goals. All of which have come back with high standards. We found a possible gestational carrier. We have spoken to the needed lawyers, counselors, officers, and doctors to proceed. We have also explored the many ways we could fund something like this.  We are dedicating what we have saved into this, but we still fall short.  We would be so grateful to receive the added help we need at this time in our life and journey. We need small miracles to take place so we will feel fulfilled has a family!

Kylee sings National Anthem at USU

Kylee sang the National Anthem at USU. I think I was more nervous than she was. She handled it like a Champ.

I am a proud mom and I will admit it! However she is such a delight to have around. I could listen to her all the time. She worked so hard to sing this.

We went to a audition this summer. Kylee wasn't pleased with her performance. I felt so bad for her. It is so hard to watch your kids mess up a little, because they are nervous. She forgot some of the Anthem. Then was really stretching her vocal cords to get the rest out. Poor girl! With practice and an awesome teacher she did everything she was told.

 I was with Kylee during her performance and handed my mom my camera. With very little training! So the video is not clear and she missed the first part. The important part is the sound and she got most of it. Kylees microphone also had a hitch and I'm so glad it didn't throw her off!!! So here it is and a few pictures of her before hand!

FAMILY PHOTOS 2011 FALL TIME

I love the setting in these photos. It was a really stressful day though. Kynzee was not wanting to have her picture taken. I almost gave up. There are so many that I had to get rid of. There are also some that make me laugh.

 I do think the ones with the girls separately are precious.

 Kylee and her daddy love this one.

 Finally a smile!

 Yes that is a rock in her hand coming for my head. WOWZA!

 Miss Photogetic!

 So this is probably the one that worked best for us. I did have to photoshop her tears out, sad Kynz!

 Steven and I.This is the same location we had our engagment photos taken. We have aged just a bit.

My new ride!

This is the newest addition to our home. We love it and it is so roomy.

 She would rather take a ride in the dryer. I thought this was a typical two year old. Is she not the cutest thing! Love her smile!

Kylee took swimming lessons this summer with her cousin. The very last day they took them to the deep end to jump. Kylee was brave taking baby steps to the end! I laugh every time I watch this. So funny!!!

Surgery for mom

This last summer I had surgery on my ear. It was a long process. I am glad that it is done. I am still struggling a little with my hearing. Not a fun thing to go with out. Hopefully one day I will be 100 percent. It was a horrible thing to go through. This picture tells it all. I look AWFUL!

CONTINUING CATCH UP!

Kylee wrote a really cute letter to Santa this year. Here is a copy of it. Yes we would love to adopt a little boy!

 This year I had the privilege to decorate a Christmas tree for Kylees School. My good friend Sherrise helped me with it. I loved the way it turned out. We had a lot of fun doing it too. We had great support and it was one of the top sellers at the auction. Loved having the opportunity.

Catch Up continues!

Kynzee was a cute scarecrow for Halloween. I made her costume from a idea from Pinterest. That has become one of my favorite Internet sights. 

 The girls together face paint and all.

 Kylee wanted to make her costume too. We did them while we listened to Conference.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!

Catch Up!

I love sleeping babies. They are so sweet.

We was able to meet Jocelyn this summer. She is beautiful. My girls both wanted to hold her continually. They was so excited  to have her come visit us.

This is Kylees birth family. They are so fun to have come and visit us.

Sleepy baby! Kylee has the magic touch.

Girls are all happy and healthy!

My sweet baby is 2!

Our sweet Honey bee is 2! She is such a joy to have in our family! How lucky are we to be her parents? Here is her Party to celebrate. We had a honey bee theme.

 Grandma getting kisses!

 The decorations....

Playing with the cousins.

 Mmmmmmmmmmmm Food!!!

 Present time...

  I love those little toes!

 She did a great job blowing out the candles. Maybe, spit on it a little.